January 17, 2013

Winter Blues...Or Something Like That

Well, that's what I try to keep telling myself every day. First of all, let's get a few things straight. This is not a depressed-fishing for pity post nor a {one of my many pet peeves} "FML" post. Not at all.  This is just a post about me, and how I am feeling, right now, in the moment. There is no food in this post. Sorry--I do feel like making a pie though. Maybe later.  Pies are happy things. So are cupcakes.  

If you have read my post from about two weeks ago, titled, " Coffee and Cheerios," this is along the lines of that,  but a bit deeper I guess. I haven't experienced a panic attack in a week. {Side note, I had light-headededness today and chest tightness, and I get random pains in my head}....I will be calling the doctor tomorrow for an appt. and go from there}.  :-/   I am not sure why I still feel; not exactly stressed, but I guess anxious?  Why that feeling?  I'm currently really not going through anything exactly life-threatening or changing in the next 2 months or so.  Is it because I'm a thinker? I think about the future and like, 5% of the past, once in a blue moon.  Isn't thinking about the future supposed to be a good thing?  I try to keep calm throughout my day.  Breathe. Talk to myself.  There aren't voices in my head, no need to feel concerned.  :)  But in a weird way, that's what gets me through my days.  Especially my long work-week days.  The talking to myself part, well, I think we all do that.  You have to do that sometimes.  I just say positive things, of course. I'll say, "I'm so thankful I am alive today."  "The worst thing that could happen to anyone today is death."  That one is very true, although I know it comes off a tad morbid.  Seriously though, when you really think about it, that's the worst thing in life. Yes, that's part of life. But I think you grasp my meaning here. I don't have to say the actual word again. It does become irking though when in the middle of any situation, in that moment in time...that situation feels like the worst thing ever. I hate that.  Somehow you just have to look past it and know that tomorrow is a new day.  I know I need to keep taking deep breaths.  But currently...it feels as though I am having a heart attack. I don't get it. :-(  It's pretty warm in my office, which doesn't help how uncomfortable I am, but I doubt it's just that.

Do you ever feel this way even though you're really not stressing about anything? 

1 good tip ....music does help.  It's very soothing. Any kind of music.  It puts you in a different world. Okay, moving on.

I'm also not saying that in any situation that occurs, you must not care or that you should act aloof about it.  Take action and do something about it. But re-hashing things just prolongs it and makes most of it worse. I am responsible for exactly this. What I just wrote. That I re-hash things.  I'm personally getting sick and tired of doing that. I get upset with myself when I do this.  And usually, the thing I re-hash, is stupid. It's dumb.  And most importantly, it's so not important. I don't think I have learned 100% still, that the insignificant things in life, the trivial BS, is so not important.  I'm getting better at that though. Much better;  yet at a glacial pace. This is one of the many things I try to work on every day.  We are only human. I'm only human. We learn and grow each day. Nothing is wrong with that scenario. It's pretty awesome actually.  I'm still just too darn hard on myself sometimes. Aren't we all though?  The "BEEing" myself part is because I have gotten better at that over the years, but what bugs me the most is that I feel that I was even better at being myself when I was in middle school and high school.  Isn't that nuts?  For most people, (especially girls), those are the times when it seems the hardest.  You're trying to do everything you normally would not do and that is NOT you, and you're trying to be someone you're not. So sad.  But for some crazy reason, I really do feel like I had it all "together" back then.  I think what I really am trying to say , is that I just felt that I knew who I was then. I recall never putting up any fronts. I was myself. And I never, I mean neverrrrrr cared one morsel of what anyone thought of me. What's up with that?!

Who knows. Maybe it was a typical "phase" that I was supposed to experience, but I wish I felt that same way here and there,  today. I am 30 years old for god sakes. I am annoyed with myself, can you tell?  Well, I'm not thaaat annoyed.  I just don't know why I feel that way from time to time.  Don't get me wrong, I am fully aware that I can only be one person and that's me.  You can sure as hell change things and work on yourself and become better, but you can not change the core of a human being. It's utterly impossible.  It's who they are and what they know.  That's it. Bottom line. No sugar coating here.  YOU can only be YOU.  So, most of my days, I am obviously my actual true being.  But for some reason, it does not feel like that from time to time. I've also noticed as I've gotten older, that it's other people in your life who can really make you become someone else. It's a horrible notion, let me tell you.  These people are very good at this job of theirs. They know exactly what they are doing, each and every time. The only downside to this job is that they don't get paid for this.  It's simply out of the "kindness of their hearts."

You know who I am talking about. It's anyone; friends, family, colleagues, maybe even your dog judges you. No, scratch that. Dogs are better than people, actually. I'm not kidding. I don't mind playing English teacher for a moment.  I'll bring on the adjectives. I'm not scared. It's the jealous people. It's the fake people. It's the kind of people who enjoy misery.  You know that old saying, "misery loves company."  Yeah.  Those kind of people.  These people are so beyond unhappy with their own lives, that they seem to want to do whatever it takes to bring you down with them.  They want you on their level...so you can be miserable too.  How sad is that?  I won't blabber on too much more about these sad, sad kinds, but they do exist.  They are out there.  Don't let these kind of people bring you to their level. Don't let them bring you and your happiness down.  Just don't.   I am guilty of letting these kinds do this to me, here and there, through the years.  And at my age, and who I am today, you better damn well believe that I don't stand for a moment of any of that nonsense, anymore.  I'm not afraid to say "no."  Most people tend to "yes" others to death.  That's not a good thing. Trust me.  It's totally acceptable to say NO...and mean it!   I can now, with confidence, say that I can count on my one hand the most important people in my life. 

It's these people who I am happiest around.  It's these people who I 100% feel I am completely myself with.  They do not bring me down.  They are for me. Always. No negative Nancy's in my life. You can count on that.  It's these people who support me.  I am thankful everyday for them.  I think about each and every one of them most days and at some point during the day.  I am always honest with them, and they are always honest with me.  I love that.  I can't live without these people.  We have our ups and downs...sure.  That's inevitable.  But even during those times, it feels normal. It feels nice.  It feels real and not fake.  That's a wonderful feeling.  Why wouldn't I want to be around them?

So, my point?

Well, there were many different points in this post I think.  I think many of you can relate to something that I have mentioned; even if it was just something that made you think for a minute. Or an emotion. Or a great memory.  I of course love sharing this  information with my readers.  It is what it is.  It's real stuff. It's life. I am a true blue honest person.  People get that from me every day; {just ask my husband or my parents}; and that's what I intend to display on my blog as well. I will keep trying my best to remain calm and breathe. Take life one day at a time. And I will be myself.  That's all I can be.  That's all I can do.  I will strive to do great and be better at the things I do each day. But it cannot always work like that.  Things change and stuff comes up. I will move on and learn to deal with that.  Every day is a new day.

I currently am just hoping to feel a bit better and maybe get some answers to the things I am experiencing more recently with my own body.  I still am a happy person. I still love to cook. I still laugh. a lot. Nothing is changing for the worse.  And sometimes we tend to make it seem like that. That's when other things in life seem so "awful" when , ha!  they totally are not.  You better believe I won't make other good things in my life, "bad", just because I haven't been feeling myself lately.  It does suck though. Yes, it does. I'll be honest. It's simply frustrating.  I shouldn't be having chest pains and bad headaches and chest tightness and panic attacks when I am happy and not stressed.  That's the only sucky part.  Hopefully there's a resolution for this silly crap around the corner.

My request for you?  Be happy. Breathe. Keep calm. Relax. Never take anything personal. And please, please, please "bee" yourself.

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