Okay so, I want to start writing more. I enjoy it, so why not begin again? I wanted to create a new account on instagram dedicated to the true struggles of being a stay at home mom- accidentally. This means you were working, but then something stopped it all in its tracks, and now you are sort of screwed. I wanted to write about and share my experience as an accidental stay at home mom. If you follow me on Instagram, the handle is Dana_asahm. I posted a bunch of long-winded videos on my stories as a general intro, but below I wanted to expand on my thoughts. Enjoy!
This wasn’t how I expected my life
to turn out. Wait, that’s not what I mean. I wasn’t supposed to be a stay at
home mom. Let me back up for a minute. I misspoke. I didn’t want to be a stay at home mom? I didn’t plan
to be a stay at home but it sort of happened.
Yeah, I guess that sounds the best. I guess I should blame the status quo or society norms, OR the shitty
system in America that is public education. They are definitely half to blame,
but I still blame myself too.. There’s not just one single thing that makes my
being a SAHM accidental, it’s a lot of little things. The most important one to
me is that I thought I’d have a career by the age of 39. Isn’t that what we ALL
assume? I thought I would have
discovered something I love, have it magically become my passion and that it
would be as easy as pie to turn it into a wonderful career. I have a ton of hobbies and other interests that I enjoy
doing and that make me feel good, but I have yet to turn them into something. I truly thought that’s what was supposed to happen. I thought everyone
was chasing their dreams and that they would eventually catch them. I don’t
know about you, but I was brought up and surrounded by folks who believed that
life is supposed to have structure and go in a perfect straight line. Something
about ducks and rows.. Weird. But that’s
not how my makeup works (biologically speaking) and that’s not reality. My life had so many squiggly lines of
confusing uncertainty until this point, that you would think it would resemble
something out of a Jackson Pollack Painting.
And so here we are.
I’m thirty-nine and have been an accidental stay at home mom since
January of 2017, if you care for specifics. And of course with a few bullshit
jobs sprinkled in between. This was the month and year that I got laid off from
my job, my dog was attacked by a neighbor’s dog, and my mom was diagnosed with cancer. Shit, where do I begin?
I guess I should begin with a bold statement and a
belief I feel very strongly about: College isn’t for everyone. Agree or disagree, these are straight up facts my friends. My college story isn’t anything revolutionary;
it’s actually quite the opposite. It’s
mundane yet millions of high school grads heading into a four-year university have
experienced this, no matter what stage of the college process they’re in. And if they had what appears to be a seamless
four years and know exactly what they want to do once they have graduated and say they are doing great
and feel excited and seem to have all of the confidence in the world for being
just 21 years old, I’m going to have to burst that bubble. They’re lying to you.
They’re scared shitless for the real world. The education system in the
United States does not set students up for the real world…like, AT ALL. I think I would have enjoyed a class on basic
survival skills for camping or hiking, or how about a class on changing a flat
tire? Or even better, a class called, How
to Deal with Assholes: A Real World Guidebook
to Life. Real. World. Shit. According to Medium.com, an online
article entitled, “How American Schools
Set Students Up To Fail”; written by Matthew Biggins. He breaks the topic of education down into
three parts, which I agree with 1000%:
What
is the purpose of education?
1. To
get good grades?
2. To
get into the best universities?
3. To
get the best jobs?
And the answer would be none of those. Biggins says, “The purpose of education is to inspire action to better the
world and lead us to personal fulfillment. Yet you wouldn’t know it by
looking at our education system today. ( Biggins, Medium.com) Amen, Matthew.
After I graduated high school (because God forbid
someone doesn’t earn their high school diploma since there are plenty of
successful people in this world who never even graduated high school). I went straight into community college
because that’s where my bff and her sister were looking to go, and right out of
the gate I’m appearing like a follower! Gah! But at age eighteen, yes, I was
one. I was young and naive, so sue me. I couldn’t tell you what
my friends wanted to go to school for but at the time; Special Education was
all the rage. So naturally, as a follower, I jumped on that bandwagon without
knowing squat about the major or that field. In case you weren’t aware, Special
Education is teaching kids who have special needs and/or are possibly disabled
in some way. It’s a more individualized
teaching approach which I do think I would have enjoyed. But if you were to
take a wild guess, that didn’t pan out. Also, after having a kid of my own, I
can’t imagine being a teacher, in any grade or form. Teachers are pure saints. Thank you Thank you
Thank you.
So, why isn’t college
for everyone? I’m getting there. Community College didn’t go as planned but I
do know one thing; I wasn’t there to make friends this time. I went back to
college later, around age twenty-four, to Rowan University, formerly Glassboro
State College and finished my undergrad in the most generic major ever. B.A. in
Liberal Studies, minor in Marketing. I couldn’t tell you what liberal
studies is nor do I care. I can tell you that choosing that major didn’t
require five or more math courses and no other bullshit courses that I didn’t
need. I started out as an English major but turned that over real quick since
there were like seventeen poetry and Shakespeare courses that were required.
Also, my Shakespeare professor was pushing 100. I was having zero fun and so
was he. It was a win-win to vacate thy class. With the liberal studies major, I
recall taking one math course in probability which I actually sort of liked and
I was able to choose tons of electives like Astronomy and lots of creative
writing courses. Choosing liberal studies was a no brainer for me. I worked really hard and studied my ass off
but only because I had to. Which to my point, college isn’t for everyone. I’m
not a studious student. If I want to
understand something, I need to take my time, practice and study really fucking hard. I’m
a hands on learner; I need books I can flip actual pages with. I like tangible things. If I wanted to pass a test, I needed to study extra hard.
There are students who don’t have to study one word and they pass their test and
graduate college with flying colors. We call those people assholes or just
studious students. College may have been for them, but can we all agree they
are not street smart by any stretch of the imagination? I needed to pass all of my courses because I
just wanted that piece of paper, sorry,
degree. [Insert eye roll]. I didn’t enjoy the college experience, and maybe
I would have under different circumstances but I’ll never know. This was just
my journey. It was just something I had to do.
Kind of like that time I just had to eat an entire pint of Ben n’
Jerry’s Phish Food. The only difference
was that I thoroughly enjoyed every bite.
So when I finally graduated college, I remember
spending almost every single day job searching. I spent a good portion of the
day on job websites, reaching out to temp agencies, messaging people on
Linkedin and directly emailing companies on their website. You know the drill. I was obsessed with
finding a 9-5 which sounds sad now, but back then, it’s what I wanted. It may
have taken me a whole damn year to find something, but I did it! I got the temp job, for one year at an
Engineering firm in Philadelphia. I remember meeting my husband for lunch one
day in the city when I got the call from the temp agency. I had gotten the job! The interview went well
and I started crying because I worked so hard to find something and it finally felt like someone was taking a chance on
me! It felt really good. I worked there
for one year as a temp and then came on full time with the company; working
there for six more years. It was a decent paying job where, in a very tiny
nutshell, I did data entry and tedious work for architects and engineers and
collaborated with various subcontractors.
I enjoyed it for the first couple of years, that is until I got too
comfy there and in hindsight, probably should have began job searching
again. The company merged with a bigger
company and things went downhill fast. About three months before my department
got laid off, I saw it coming. It made sense to let go of the document control
department, which was our department. There were only four of us and if I’m
being honest, the job was unnecessary.
Business is business as my husband loves to say. Companies need to save
and make money at the same time. Who would have thought? Engineers were let go first. Architects and
some administrative staff as well were getting the boot. My department was next
and I did nothing about it. Shoulda-coulda-woulda . I was working from home one day when I got the
call that I was laid off. I cried, I was
mad at myself and also took it out on my husband, who knew it was inevitable. I
somehow refused to get in touch with reality at the time. I still don’t believe
that going back to college and getting that piece of paper was worth it, but
did it help me get the job? Maybe a
little.
So
if you despise college so much Dana, why did you still go?! I had zero direction about my future and
therefore it felt like I had no other option at the time. A degree was so important. Yeah well so is exercise,
getting enough sleep and eating a vegetable once in a while. If you’re anything like me, or don’t want to
go my route ( which I don’t blame you but hey, this was my journey), but still want to give college the ol’ try,
I’d tell you to go for it! But I’d also tell you to really hone in on whatever
you’re truly passionate about and make it work for you! Work your ass off if
this is something you really want! College shouldn’t be a have to or supposed to.
Do what works for YOU. And stop trying to match up with society norms because
that won’t work and they suck.
Being laid off on the 3rd day of the New Year
appeared to be a blessing in disguise. So
when I said “this wasn’t how I expected my life to turn out,” it wasn’t. Or put
more simply, life is hard and 2017 can suck it. It was not my favorite year by
any means. So on that day in January, I became an accidental stay at home mom
who was trying to figure out, essentially, this new life I had.
I'm still trying to figure some things out.