January 9, 2015

Babies don't care about you

Dearest baby girl,

As I sit in bed now, for the past two hours aimlessly scrolling through Facebook and catching up on my favorite blogs, you've been asleep for nearly three hours.  I didn't want to put you in bed at 730pm but you were getting quite fussy and we played a lot. And it was a long day. 

But you don't know that.  You haven't got a clue about long days yet. 

Your dada doesn't feel too well and mama hopes he's not the first of us to come down with something. You don't know what sick means yet and that's understandable. You're a baby. You don't care if either of your folks gets a nasty cold or the flu.  If you get sick though, you'll feel something. And you won't like it. That's for sure! And your folks will feel your pain too, in some form. And it will suck balls.

So let's hope dada feels better tomorrow. Let's hope we all get through this nasty Winter sick-free!

As my battery on my laptop is on it's last leg, I hope to finish this post and close my eyes.  I hope you'll sleep through the night.  You aren't aware of the concept of time, but since about 8pm you were sound asleep. And then just recently, at 1030pm, you woke up. You made small cry noises at first, so I ignored you. I let you be. And you were quiet for about another 20 minutes. 

And then you woke again , this time really belting it. Sort of like Celine Dion in the Titanic days, but not nearly as brutal. You don't know about the Titanic days yet. 1912 or 1997. So I'll just move on. 

I went into your room, rubbed your back, changed your position, picked you up and checked your diaper.  you felt dry. You seemed in pain. I know that 5th tooth on the top is working its way through; that bastard.  I kept you in the crib while I went to grab two teething tablets and your newly made bottle.  Shockingly, dada was on the couch in dreamland. You'll also learn one day that men sleep. through. any.thing.  With the hallway and kitchen lights on I thought I was going to wake him up. No such luck.  Meanwhile, during that whole two minutes you were screaming and crying your little heart out.

I gave you the tablets which you took like a champ, and handed you the bottle. You went mute almost instantly.  I'm thinking you were hungry.  You don't care what I think though. You simply wanted what you wanted, I gave it to you and you stopped crying. You're newly ten months old and according to your doctor and many books and Google, you should be sleeping 10-12 hours at night.

I call bullshit.  

And guess what sweetie?  Some nights you DO do that! And it's awesome!  You're almost a year old and I'm not concerned with your sleeping habits now. Some days I am, sure.  You don't care, but I do. Some days are just harder than others and even though you have such a knack for sleeping horribly when I have to get up and get ready for work, I still love you.  It's OK. Because I know I'll be getting my cup of coffee soon and can try to snooze on the train. And it's OK because there are worse things in life than a baby sleeping horribly.

You're ten months old now and growing like a weed. You're getting into things every day and learning and experiencing so many different things that I'm sure you feel like your brain is going to explode.  If I was exposed to so many new things in one day, I wouldn't be able to sleep soundly either.

You're ten months old and that makes mama happy and sad. You're standing up onto our pant legs and the couch and basically anything you can grab a hold of at your level. That's exciting and challenging! You're crawling fiercely and crazy fast! And you're standing without any support for a couple seconds.  You seem to have mastered the "High Five" "Bye Bye"...waving your right hand only, and clapping. Each day for you is pretty huge in your little world.

But you don't know it yet and you could care less about how your parents feel or what they think.  Right?  Right.  Your doctor is great and from day one we've loved him and the practice, but at the end of the day we are your parents.  We know best. We go with our gut on certain stuff.  At your 9 month checkup we briefly discussed your sleep patterns. And I do think in some way, dada and I have conditioned you enough to where maybe you're still waking up "hungry" but you may just be used to the bottle at bedtime.  I told the doctor we used to put you down with the bottle but we were doing what we needed to survive some days. He "got that" but still basically told us, kindly, to stop doing that.

With the bottle at bedtime, that's what helped you fall asleep and most nights you'd stay asleep for at least 8-9 hours.  Not every night, but some nights it seemed to work.  Or I would just make sure you had a good amount before putting you to bed.  Later you still woke up. Like clockwork. You love the midnight hour Missy.

You couldn't care less.

You seem to be slightly aware that we have stopped the bottle at bedtime and we put you down when you're simply coming off as tired/ like you've had enough of the day.   I can't recall EVER putting you down while you were sleeping. And newborn babies don't count. That's all they do is sleep for the first two weeks and then all hell breaks loose. But as your parents, we've learned so much in these fast ten months and grown so much, much like yourself.  

You've had some weight issues that became a bit more of a concern than we would have liked at around month five. And you have not a clue, but all of the doctors involved from back then to now have truly been wonderful, on top of things and even ahead of the game with certain stuff.  We just think you're going to be more on the petite side. And that's OK. You're unique and we can already see that fun , crazy side of you.  Weighing almost 14 pounds at ten months old seems small but if your doctor is currently content and happy with your weight, then so is mama and dada. The fact that you're getting much closer to that stupid curve is wonderful! 

You are not aware of this, but when I'm out with you, all we get are compliments of how adorable, cute, and pretty you are. And sometimes mama also hears what seems to be patterns of the same comment of "aww, she's so tiny. how old? was she a preemie?" "She'll get there."  Mama isn't always the fondest of those people.

Thank you stranger; now what else did I come to Target for?

You've also been eating like a champ, too! You don't care if you get food in your hair or on the floor or on my curtains. You're still gonna look at me and laugh, get fussy, poop a hot mess to where a bath is necessary, and mama is tired. And you don't care. You're just going to be in your own little world and do what you're gonna do.

And that's fine with me. You're a baby.  You're gaining slowly and not losing any weight.  That's what matters most.  You're doing fantastic and keeping us on our toes.  These past ten months have been a whirlwind and certainly emotional, but I don't think I could love something so strong and so hard as I do you.

As you and dada are sound asleep right now, it's pushing midnight. I had planned to go right to sleep around 9pm. I didn't plan to browse Facebook like a tenth grader bored in class. Or catch up on blogs. Or hear you wake up crying in some weird pain. You could give two shits if I was tired or not. Or that I was thinking , "please fall asleep again soon" "I hope she's not getting sick" "it's gotta be her 5th tooth coming in" or "shit, I'm getting up at 6 tomorrow and I should be fucking sleeping already".

You'll never know what I'm thinking until that one day comes where you will. I hope then, you'll care about me.

I love you sweet girl. Keep being you.

mama xo

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